Meryn Cadell

SECRET

I'm here where I want to be
7000 miles from infinity
No one knows... where I am

It's quiet here with me
I'm filling in the spaces where the killings used to be
There's no phone
And no way home
(No way home, no, no way home)

Been a long time come late (Long time)
Been a long time
I'm here where I want to be
7000 miles from infinity
No one knows where I am....but me

I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
Won't my momma be so proud of me
I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
OohWee it stung me.

I probably should have resisted
Never trust a man...
why didn't I read those articles in Self Magazine more carefully I probably could have avoided this

The man is married OK
Married, a thief and a lousy lover too
I definitely should have resisted

I'm squishing up my baby bumblebee
Won't Gloria Steinem be so proud of me
I'm squishing up my baby bumblebee
OohWee it's all over me

I've got to do something about my life
I can't believe this has happened to me again
I'm thinking of starting a line of evil voodoo greeting cards

I'm licking up my baby bumblebee
I don't want evidence of my stupidity
I'm licking up my baby bumblebee
Ooh, oh, ooh, oh, ooh...

Oh, you know?
I was still nurturing a tender broken heart when my Visa bill rolled in
Up to its limit in purchases I don't recall making
And oddly enough, old mister married-head's phone has been disconnected

But you know?
It really doesn't matter
Tonight I went for the first time to a new age support group that I read about in the newspaper
And I'm already beginning to feel my anger dissolve away

I'm throwing up my baby bumblebee
Won't my bulimic past lives be so proud of me
I'm throwing up my baby bumblebee
Oooooooooohhhhohhhhh

Meditation and therapy take up a lot of my time now
but that's all right,
I have very little money to go out since I started donating 80% of my wages to the Crystal Light and Breakfast cereal healing center
I've learned to laugh and play like a child all over again

The married man and the creditors notices mean nothing compared to the personal development I feel in my deep and centered heart
I realize that I am in love with my instructor
There is a light in his eyes as bright as the aura around his head
With our mantras we channel the world's energy into him and the orgasms are like lightning through the mirror of my soul

OohWee

Never trust a man....

I can't believe I said that once.

I'm bringing home another bumblebee
Won't my momma be so proud of me
I'm bringing home another bumblebee
OohOohWee

I want to be a flight attendant
I can save you all
Look to me for instructions when the plane begins to fall
Once I wanted to be a nun 'til I found out what it takes from you
Now I've settled on flight attendant and I know my heart is true

I'll never want to touch down, never want to see the ground
I'll never get lonely 'cause I'll always fly away
I want to point out exits in a calm assuring way
Being a nun is such a selfish thing when you think of the comfort you can bring each day as a flight attendant
You'll all be like children to me
And my affection will be real
For the duration of the flight anyway: here's your blanket here's you meal

And when the flight is over, I bid you a fond adieu
Then three hundred other people get on and my affection starts anew

I'll fly out every day knowing death could take this flight
I'll be so strong and ready
pushing open the emergency door and pushing out down the inflatable slide into the water each of you holding on to your seat cushion as your personal floatation device

I'll be the last to leave the plane when even the pilot's safe
I'll push off and swim away as the plane bursts into flames
And my knotted scarf will stay in place
And the waves will lap my strong face
And I will have saved you all
I want to be a flight attendant

I want to be the one to pull your mask down in case of fire
I want to fly forever and my arms will never tire

I met a boy and a boy met me
and we got together and we made a baby
and I didn't want it and neither did he
but here comes bouncing baby Julie
And that sucks

A kiss and a hug and a couple of fucks
Being in love really sucks
Being in love really sucks
Being in love really sucks

I met a boy and a boy met me
and we got together and we made a baby
and I didn't want it and neither did he
but here comes bouncing baby Tony
And that sucks too

Being in love really sucks
Being in love really sucks
Babies cost a lot of money
Please don't make me fuck you honey

Well you'll never guess what....

I like a boy and a boy likes me
and we got together and we made a baby
and I don't want it and neither does he
but here comes baby number three

I bought that
That was given to me
Stole that from my family
That was given to me
Stole that from my family
That was stolen from me

I'm labeling the stuff I got
figuring what I've lost
I'm looking into boxes
trying to see myself

Everything was close together
when I woke up today

The Welcome mat
destroyed by the cat
that I let in one day
But it couldn't settle down
so I had to let it go
This house isn't mine
and that I know
the truth coming out of the melting snow
of the lawn of the previous owner

It's in the way the windows close
to greet me when it rains

???
Got my lungs in my hand
And the smokes in the stairs
And my face in the subway train of doom
???
And I'm going deep sixin'
Goin' deep

Goin' downtown with my heart in a bag
??? in my boot and hell in my head

And I'm going sixin'
Going deep

????????????????

But they can't take my six pack away, no
?? wings and concrete flesh
Flash and drone and scream I'm sorry
I'm deep sixin' now baby
I'm deep sixin' now

And my six pack's safe deep inside

I'm making myself some mittens
And I'm stitching my fingers together to keep them warm inside
And I'll never think about it
And I'll never touch myself again

I'm knitting myself a sweater
to cover the body I'm wearing
And the sweater will hang to my knees
And my hair will grow to the floor
And I'll never go outside again

I lie down and I float nowhere
I know why
because I lie
just hearing my mouth open
I feel the water on my skin dry

I scorn and shame you
berate and blame you
I beg you to come to me
It's easy
You let me
Don't leave me

Now you won't come out tonight
Your clothes are clung to you with fright
How am I here again
I fear the mornings as they pull near

I need violent dying
I need quiet times
Hear me
save me as I slide in the sea
No hands
no one
No.

You are the click smash of the fork against the teeth
Oh my love
you are worth your weight in jalepeno peppers and margarita pies
You are the sting of sand in the eyes when I get warm at the beach
and the stingray threat as I walk into the ocean

Oh my love you are that incredible clamp-clump sensation when I'm underwater and I don't think I can make it back to the surface before I die
Oh you're worth your weight in popcorn husks stuck between my teeth
and nobody needs you like I do

You are the satisfying crush-crunch of the cockroach beneath my trembling hand

Oh my love
you are worth
the wait

I been redeemed
by the blood of the lamb
I been redeemed by the blood of the lamb
filled with the Holy Ghost I am
I been redeemed
by the blood of the lamb

Let it be known that I was fairly young
and the indoctrination was very strong
It was in my homeroom class every day that I heard about living in torment if I didn't walk with Jesus

Old Satan's mad
But I'm so glad
Old Satan's mad but I'm so glad 'cause he lost another soul that he thought he had
Old Satan's mad
But I'm so glad

It was a public school with a science teacher
Hardly the right place but who was to tell
Would you go home and tell your atheist parents
and risk the wrath of God?

Jesus loves you
Jesus loves me
Jesus loves you, Jesus loves me and I know that he loves everybody
Jesus loves you
Jesus loves me

So I started to go to pioneer girls in my little blue uniform that I've since lost
And a Christian Fellowship
And I started to see a movie star in Pat Boone at church in the evening
I don't even know what church it was or what faith
But I do remember the time I fell at the altar weeping on my knees
Somebody's mother hovering, crouching beside me asking if I was really ready to accept Christ in to my heart
Yes, I cried and wept, Yes!

Won't you make him
Your savior too
Won't you make him your savior too eternal life he'll give to you
Won't you make him
Your savior too

Then later in the car my hot-from-crying face against the window shutting out the conversation around me
I thought about what I said and
I already doubted it
So intangible so surreal
letting Christ in to my heart
I didn't even know the man

And then summer came and the fervor died
And the following year I fell in love with a red-haired boy two rows over
And that was much less painful

I been redeemed
by the blood of the lamb
I been redeemed by the blood of the lamb
filled with the Holy Ghost I am
I been redeemed
by the blood of the lamb

The principal hauled me out of the grade two team spelling bee
out into the hall; told me not be such a pain in the ass not to B-E-R-A-T-E the other little children
Well I looked properly A-P-O-L-O-G-E-T-I-C
but inside I was thinking C-H-R-I-S-T
If this guy can't A-P-P-R-E-C-I-A-T-E that I've got his V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y
well that's his hang-up man, not mine

So I W-A-L-T-Z-E-D back into the classroom
stood up on my T-I-N-Y chair and shouted, "Down with the establishment man!"
Disestablishmentarianism
D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M, man

The sweater has that slightly goat-like smell which all teenage boys possess
And that smell will lovingly transfer to all your other clothes
If you get to keep it for a few days you can sleep with it but don't let your mom see 'cause she'll say,
"What is that filthy thing and who does it belong to besides the trashman"
So you have to keep it under the covers with you
You can kind of lie it beside you, wrap it around your waist, or touch it on your legs, or whatever, that's your business

Now if the sweater has, like, reindeer on it or is a funny color like yellow
I'm sorry, you can't get away with a sweater like that
Look for brown or grey or blue
Anything other than that and you know you're dealing with someone who's different
And different is not what you're looking for
You're looking for those teenage, alpine-ski, chiseled-features and that sort of blank look that passes for deep thought or at least the notion that someone's home
You're looking for the boy of your dreams who is the same boy in the dreams of all your friends

Now the sweater isn't going to fit you of course so you have to kind of roll up the sleeves in a jaunty way
that says, "This is the sweater belonging to a boy and the boy is a genuine hunka-hunka-burning love" and it's not just some hand-me-down from your brother or your father

Monday...wear the sweater to school
Be calm, look cute
Don't tell him the dream you had about the place the two of you would share when you get older
Just be yourself
The best, cutest, quietest version of yourself
Definitely wear lipgloss

He looks at you
And he looks away
and then he walks away and the smell of the sweater hits you again suddenly like ape-scent gloriola
and you get a note passed to you by a girl in history that says "He needs his sweater back, he forgot that you put it on in the tent on Saturday and he's been looking for it"
And you don't have to die of humiliation
You are a strong person and this is a learning experience
You can still hold your head up high as you run from the classroom tearing the stinking sweater from your body

You look at that sweater...carefully
And you realize that love made you temporarily blind
You got a secret now honey and though you would never sink as low as him you could blab it all over the school if you wanted
The label in that sweater said
100% acrylic

I really have the skills, you see,
I've been to university
And though I studied history,
I found my heart to truly
be in men's ties, socks and glass figurines, the discount shoe industry.
(what experience have you had that you think you would bring to this company)

What makes me think I'd be good for this job?
Well, I love working with people. (Are you bonded?)

And I love riding the subway an hour and a half each day.
Let's see, add those hours to my day and
I'll be making a whopping 3.75 an hour.

No, Sir, I do want the job!
Can't you tell by my suit?
No, I actually don't own a dress.
I don't feel comfortable, I confess.

But, hell for 5.15 an hour, I'll endeavor to wear
some colors other than black.

I, umm, enjoy working with the public and I'm good with money.
Oh, yes, you're right, all us girls are good with money.
Yes, that's charming.
Yes, how funny.

I like a good work atmosphere,
where the boss says whatever he wants
and the rest of us just listen.

I'm a very fast learner and
If you give me this job I will be the perfect subhuman and
never let the contempt shine in my worshipping eyes.

(what could you bring to this company)
I love working with people and let's see,
what else was I going to tell you?
No, I don't expect vacation pay and yes, I'm available every day
And thought I don't like the evil way you are looking at me,
I've got rent to pay.

And, yes, I can start on Saturday.
(sorry, we were looking for someone with lots of experience, really good manners, and maybe a little younger)

But then the choppers came,
two by two by ten
announcing apocalypse of a different kind
So I ran out of my room, ran down the stairs
Down the street into Nathan Phillips Square
People, people running and horses everywhere

Yeah, the Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope Pope
We're al here to see the Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope Pope

Well you got yer pope pennants, buttons,
yer pope clothes
You got yer pope binoculars to see him up close
and I cried when I saw that man in white
I cried much to my surrounders' delight
I cried because I couldn't breathe anymore
I cried because people were stepping on my feet
Hey, hey Mr. Holiness, way over there,
maybe we love you but we're sadly lacking air

Well, I love that man, Pope John Paul III
I love him probably more that he deserves.
Okay, so he persecutes homosexuals,
does not believe in abortion,
visits with Kurt Waldheim
and tells us not to take the Pill,
there's still a certain je ne sais quoi...
Some peace, some love, some goodwill

Yeah, the Pope, Pope, Pope, Pope Pope
Well you got yer pope pennants, buttons,
yer pope clothes
You got yer pope binoculars to see him up close
and I cried when I saw that man in white
I cried much to my surrounders' delight
I cried because I couldn't breathe anymore
I cried because people were stepping on my feet
Hey, hey Mr. Holiness, way over there,
maybe we love you but we're sadly lacking air

The he scooted away in that great Pope-Mobile
I was feeling so trampled
I didn't know what else to feel
Then we all kissed the ground
where John Paul had been.......
I can hardly wait
til someone famous comes to town again

Bartenders are whispering "who does he think he is, just who the hell"
I tell them with my sensible eyes that this is just a bad day for you
See what I do for you

And I sweetly hold your hand as your hands hold up your head

I find it hard to express the kind of joy I feel when we're together

So where's the correlation to the boy who rubbed my feet this morning
Who's the one who holds me in the wall and cries
And I know sweetie it is you, please keep your voice down
I know I love you

I love you with all these achin' ribs chummie
My friends said I'd never be happy with you
You said that history would prove them wrong
You said that I want to be in your biography or not
You said swing with me or die a waitress
And boy do we swing

Oh my sweet sharkhead, blasto pal
How I've learned to love the way you drool like that when your head finally slumps to one side

Now can I call the taxi?

Martina hobbled home
Breathing in time to her footsteps on the pavement
All the houses made hushy, silent sounds because it was a thick night at 3AM

Nobody was around
That's the worst time a part of her said
But most of her just said
vup tup, vup tup, vup tup, to her swinging legs

Pump, pump, blow the dump the steaming sewers
Take the chance and only chance you chicks would take and cake walk home with icy brakes and spiky heels
and clicks they make and walk through your cold neighborhood but don't get raped,
Knock on wood

And I bought myself a horse
Huge and foreign and grey (and she lived in our backyard)
And I dreamed I rode away on her
My head pushing forward and my hair shooting backwards (in the wind)

Spit it out, watch it corrode the ground
the sidewalk a long molten stream
sulphurous stenching and choking our eyes
Watch it slip into the sky

Don't cut up your arms and then cover
with reasons you've used for too long
Scream it out, it will burn as it flies
Watch it slip into the sky

Barbie lives in a plastic apartment
With her own elevator and a phone
Barbie's got a boyfriend with a suntan
And whenever Ken phones Barbie, she's home

Malibu beach parties
How come I can never go
Barbie you've got it all together
How come you always know what to do
Barbie you've got it all together
I want to come live with you

I'm older now,
but I still think of Barbie
I've got my own brown boyfriend, Ken
but my own room's pretty far from Barbie's dreamhome
A plastic doll can't make calls so Ken never phones

Malibu beach parties
How come I still can never go
Barbie you had it all together
How come you always knew what to do
Barbie you've had it all together
I wanted to live with you
And I still want to live like you

Barbie